Do you ever feel like you no longer have a point of reference? You try to figure out who you are from the changes between point A- who you once were, and point B- who you are now, but in tracing the memories in back through your mind you realize that you can't remember who you were, because you are only who you are, and you have always been just that- exactly who you are.
I know that there was another time in my life, when I wasn't this way. I was another way. I didn't think this way. I thought another way. I know that there were times when I was much angrier, much quieter, much more bitter, and much less honest. I know that there were times when I was much faster, much more involved, much more enthused, and much more outgoing. I was once much more lonely, much more bitter, more synical, and much less sincere.
There was a time when I hadn't met the person I want to marry. There was a time when I thought that I could marry that person. But at the time, I didn't really think about it that much. So it didn't matter that much. Did it? It matters now. It's almost like everytime I truly care about something I end up being forced to watch it slowly turn to sand and slip through my fingers and the harder I squeeze to more I lose it and it is only a matter of time until it is gone and I'm left standing there with my head down and eyes closed as my imaginary life blows away in the wind and all I have left is a few memories of what once was. But memories just aren't enough.
But I guess that is all anything that never works out is right? A memory of something that we made up. Some thing that we created in our mind, an idea. We put ourselves in these circumstances and we make up this whole future and we plan, or hope, that one day things will be a certain way and THAT is what we hold on to and how we keep ourselves happy. THAT is what we cling to in the middle of the night when the nightmares keep us awake. THAT is what we cuddle in our arms when we are left alone to our thoughts when the thing that we want most in life is hundreds of miles away.
I can see how some of you might view this as a negative thing. Maybe we should give up hope and only hold to the things that actually have some possibility of working out? We can't change people. People don't change. We should only hold to the dreams that are actually possible.
Yeah well, sorry, but I am going to keep my faith. Impossible things CAN work out and I'm going to hold on a little longer.