Rain

I love the rain.

I love playing in it.

I also didn't realize until today how much I love rain boots and rain coats, but standing there in a puddle with water up to my calves, yet completely dry from my head to my toes; it's a good feeling. So I stayed in Bountiful because I now have to drive my parents' car home because Chailee is bringing it up because her car doesn't work. I guess Tanya and I were just meant to spend a day at lagoon together. I love everything.

It was a great day at lagoon at any rate. One of my favorites. We rode on almost every single ride we could, and then we got rained out. Yes, we even rode Rattlesnake Rapids while it was raining. There were like ten people left in the park. This large islandish lady was operating what looked like a little kid's ride. She told us it was the most awesome ride in the park and that we just didn't know what was coming. Turns out, it was the most awesome ride in the park. You drive your own airplane up and down trying to dodge the water squirting out of various ocean animals mouths. I got Tanya all sorts of wet.

This is Hardy

And I party. Said it.

I love it here.

But.

I have a conflict of emotions. At least it's not of interest, unless it's like the interest of God and Satan in me, but I get that pretty much everywhere. Although, It was the first time I had a girl pull out a condom and say "If you laugh then I get to have sex with you." I laughed, what else could I do. It was funny. We didn't have sex. I went my entire 17 year without kissing anyone :) I haven't kissed anyone since I've been 18 either, in case you were wondering. Could have though. Go me.

Weird that I'm 18 now. I'm old, I'm legal, right? Well, it's not like I'm going to get in any more trouble that I would have when I was 17 because I would have been tried as an adult anyway, and you can't smoke until you're 19 in Utah anyway (thanks Dallas). So, pretty much, nothing is different. Although I did get this weird feeling at midnight of, uh, today. So, possible I've acquired super-human powers and I may become a superhero or supervillain.

But anyway, back to the conflict that I was talking about before I remembered that it was my birthday and that I denied someone from having, uh, me.

I don't really want to go home, but my only options for going home are either tomorrow with my parents, or in two weeks with my sister. I don't want to stay for two more weeks. Why? Well obviously the answer to this problem is an all-resolving answer. I'll just put in in three words. I have no car.

If I had a car, I could go home whenever I like. I could go anywhere I like. I could go to Idaho, I could go to Nevada and smoke. I could drive down that street to the store. Sadly, I haven't a vehicular, and I am stuck here like a stranded lizard on an island at Lake Powell. Geez, where is my liberation? Thanks for nothing18th birthday. Said it. But anyway I just got off the phone with my Mom. I guess I'm going home tomorrow. I guess I better go tell everyone goodbye... Ah! I don't want to leave already! What the eff David Blaine? This is really unfair.

K, well, if you don't wish me a happy birthday today, then I don't know you.

The Door That Eats People

My Own Existentialism

It's always constantly on my mind, more and more lately. It builds until I just want to run away to be by myself because I can't stand most other people when it gets this bad, because nobody else thinks the way I do, at least not completely. Dallas probably understands more than anybody the things that go on in my head. But it's really frustrating sometimes to have a conversation with any "normal" people because I am so far from the "normal" mindset and nobody understands why I do the things I do or in the way I do them.





Neither do I. I don't really understand why I am so determined to be unlike anyone I know.





Dallas said something along the lines of "It's all new to us when we get here." Speaking about when we are born. I never thought about it that way. I always thought we loved the things that we love now when we were in heaven. But Dallas pointed out that we couldn't have. We didn't have bodies. I never actually thought about all the physical and emotional experiences and feelings that we can have with our bodies. I never considered how empty we would be without them-how empty we were before we got them. We cry when we are babies because we don't know what in the world is going on or how to control our bodies. It's just like, what the F David Blaine? Where am I? Why is it so cold and dry?



Then suddenly we're 17, and we have 17 years of life to ponder and we already feel like we've lived our whole life because it's been so jam-packed and busy. John Mayer sings it "Welcome to the real world she said to me, condescendingly. Take a seat, take your life. Plot it out in black and white."



I don't think that we should have to decide everything right now. But, I do though, because without intense pressure and heat, we'll never turn from coal to diamonds. We'll never be good for anything if we live in mediocrity our whole lives.



Yet so many people are incapable of deciding anything for themselves. So many people are unable to stop stressing about every little thing in their life. So many people only wish to get married, and that 's all they think about their whole life.



We were smarter in elementary school, when the boys ran away from the girls, because they had cooties. In middle school, the boys found out that they liked cooties. But they didn't really know what to do about it. Then suddenly hugs and hands showed up. Freshman year we also figure out that girls have lips. Some of us, regretfully sooner. Then we date. We date and we date and we date. We turn 16 and we park. All this until we are 18 (or 21, for the good of us) and we get married. Then, we spend our whole lives trying to make ends meet and find happiness in the simple things, because we have to take care of our kids and wives, and don't have time or money for anything else.



That was all very digressional and beside the point.



But how shallow we can be. What is truly important in life? The Gospel, our family, and our knowledge are the only things we get to take with us.



So why do we spend so much time pursuing everything else? Ugh, or as Dallas would say, GRRR. (No question mark, though)



I hate hate hate hate everything in this world.



I take that last comment back, but feel free to read it a few more times for emphasis before processing the take it back part, it made me feel better anyway.



I'm going to make a list



1. I want to travel the world, the entire world.

2. I want to meet hundred and hundreds of people, personally, closely.

3. I want to have a lifetime of memories and experiences to share with my kids and grandkids.

4. I want people to stop being so, conformative.

5. I want to write songs about everything.

6. I want to play my music in front of thousands and thousands of people.

7. I want to make movies, and music videos.

8. I want to skydive.

9. I want to scuba dive.

10. I want to go parasailing.

11. I want to have dinner with a random person every night for a month.

12. I want to learn as much as Brother Moses and Brother Black know about the scriptures and the gospel.

13. I want to learn how to do as many different things as possible, i.e. build a sailboat, breakdance, design an amazing flash video game.

14.I want to learn German, French, and Spanish.



Who knows where we'll be in ten or twenty or fifty years? Well, those of us who stick around Blanding all their life know where they will be. The only thing worse than sticking around Blanding all my life, for me, would be to marry someone from here and live here with them all my life.

I love writing songs, because when you write a song, you create something that has never been created before. No other person in the world has heard or listened or written it. It's yours. It's your own. Whether it's good or bad, it's yours. I think it is a form of godliness, of creation. I can't even even imagine, I can't even process or comprehend doing anything else with my life. I mean, the other things will fall into place. There are hundreds of other things I want to do, but It is really central. Art, writing, I love it. I think a song in itself is a form of existentialism, because nobody tells it was to be, it just happens. There are no rules or instructions. Nobody can tell a song what it can and what it can't be. It just comes of it's own.

It starts as an idea. Just like we started as a idea. The idea wanted to be something more. Our Father in Heaven saw that we wanted to be, so he said, hey I'll show you how to do it. I will show you how to become like me. I've got a plan all laid out, and if you do what I tell you, then eventually you can be just like me. It will be the most amazing thing. Do it, and you won't regret it. You can't even comprehend it right now, but someday, you will.

I believe that were are who we make ourselves. We are the product of our upbringing, but that doesn't mean we can't choose anything we want. Everything that happens to us can have as great or as little an impact on us as we choose too let it have. There is no such thing as destiny. There is potential, and there is foreordination. We choose whether we become the things that we have the potential to become. The only law is God's law. God doesn't even like making laws. He believes in Doctrine and Principle. Yet, there are so many people that can't grasp Doctrine and Principle, that he is forced to make Law. But that is for another time.

Idaho Girls

Here they are, the girls I always talk about. Chelsea and Tanya, respectively.

911, I told you so

http://milwaukee.indymedia.org/en/2006/05/205461.shtml

Dallas has one hundred forty two posts. Wow.

Check out threadless.com for some pretty sweet looking shirts

Good Day

First hour we played golf with amazing pvc 'balls' that sound kool when you hit them. It was amazingly chill and fun. Second hour we ditched a boring advisory with guymon who would undoubtedly talk all hour to play super smash bros. Third hour i played my tuba. last hour soccer. amazing soccer. we won. i got a bleeding lip from davy's elbow. after school we went riding for an hour after making mac and cheese (my way). after riding work. after work NIGHT JEEPING! we got chased by an angry cult and almost got cornered in their land. our cousin-brother eric saved us with his wisdom. then trash can tipping! i hurt Muh ankle. it was and all around good day:)

Album

Well Failing Overpass has a set album track list. Our next goal is to record it. We also want to make a music video for Youth's Cure. It's gonna be awesome. I've got it all in my head and I just have to say that if I can get it to video the way it is in my head then I will have outdone myself.

On Being Old and What it Takes to Get There

Stormi asked the question that went along the lines of "do you ever wonder what old people have been through in their lives?"



How many old people have a story to tell? How many old people have lived a life full of regret because they didn't teake the chances they should have?



My Grandpa once said that there was nothing better in this world than country music. (Refering to the original country music i.e. Johnny Cash, Howard Owens) My Grandpa played his music in Nashville and topped both Cash and Owens on the top 50 charts more than once. One day my Grandpa had the impression that he shouldn't be doing what he was doing. He felt that he should give up his music career to spend more time with his family. I sometimes wonder whether my Grandpa had any regrets. Now he's gone and I never got the chance to talk to him about any of it. I never really understood or knew the extent of how good he was, or what he gave up for his family. If he hadn't, then I wouldn't be here. At least, I wouldn't be in Blanding. I would be in the city. I'm glad I didn't grow up in the city. I want to move to the city, but I am very glad I didn't grow up there.



He loved his family more than anything. H was the best father and Grandfather that anyone could ask for. He was also an amazin singer. I wish I could have inherited his voice. At any rate, he moved to Blanding, Utah. Maybe I could be his musical proxy.



So many people are so worried about the future. I say, as long as you have food and a place to sleep, then what's the big deal? In 10 or 20 or 30 years what difference will it make? Do you want to have a life full of memories or do you want to have a long comfortable life with nothing much to show for it?

I just realized what Stormi meant when she said not all commercials that open with a bald eagle are about America...

I played my drums forever and yet i want to play them more still...

yes it is after midnight and yes i am still watching the office and no i still haven't read my history. Yes i am going to do it again tomorrow.

I haven't been sleeping much. I feel like dallas. 4 and 6 hour nights. I feel really sorry for his sleeping pattern

I still say temperpedic has nothing on watereds

There is a difference in spending time doing nothing but enjoying it and doing nothing and not enjoying it. Ugh... Wasted time.

Going to my grandparents house. I don't like them very much... Long story. A couple of long stories actually but i don't want to go

For serious! I love phones!

Hallucination?

I woke up at nearly 1 o'clock this morning and read a text I got from Dallas. It said something along the lines of "I dropped something on my foot and it hurt so bad I didn't want to look to see what it was. When I finally looked, it was a pillow."

I couldn't find the text when I tried to read it again, but I did answer him. Weird. I don't understand why this happened.

The Horizon is Just the Beginning

We look off as far as we can see and we say to ourselves, "someday".

Conspiracy?

If you've got awhile, take a look. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but this really makes you wonder.

http://www.livevideo.com/media/playvideo_fs.aspx?fs=1&cid=7F39E60C4F004BCC8062B5EB2F0F6891

http://www.serendipity.li/wot/911_a_hoax.htm

http://www.rense.com/general70/3o.htm

http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?q=911+hoax&emb=0#

A Song Dallas Should Listen To

Lazy Saturday Mornings are the Shiznit

Muh toes are cold. I blame my not moving for three hours, but rather sitting on my computer, playing Drakan. Yes, I have spent the last three hours as a tall, redhead with an extremely long sword running around killing Warthoks. They are giant pig/goblin/troll/beast things. They killed my people and kidnapped my little brother, and they will get their's, one at a time. Did I mention that said redhead also mounts a fire-breathing dragon who BBQs anything in his path?

If you don't go to college to be a doctor, you don't have to pay for the college. I know it's about the education and the future, but a doctor, really? That's like 8 more years in college. I couldn't ever do it.

I see that Mike reinstated his original blog. Go him. Also, nice poem Mike, it inspired me.

What is it about the word California that makes it sound so amazing in almost every song it is in?

Great news, Green Day's new album is coming out May 20!

Peaches

I don't know why I love this music video. It has like two lines total and they just end up fighting ninjas... I just love it. Go PUSA

Also, this guy looks like Sivert, or Sivert looks like him. I wonder who is older...

Prof...ounity.

And what if we don't hold in our anger, ever. We try to understand those who do. We try to understand those that let their past envelope them and let it become their existence. We try to see the anger in the world, try to see why it exists; we can't. To understand the anger, you yourself must become angry, and the empathy twists your emotions, and you lose yourself. There is a line between your personal feelings, and the feelings of those you are close to. When the two are so utterly different, you are forced to break away. You have to ignore the other feelings because if you don't then they will become your own personal feelings and then you lose yourself.

Broken Doll

For those who have never been at the complete mercy of gravity, and the texture of the fast approaching ground, it goes something like this-

Ah man ah man ah man ah man suck suck suck SMASH!

Sliiiiiiide...........

Roll roll roll.

Stop.

Am I dead?

Is my pelvis/leg/hip/broken?

I landed on my phone didn't I?

Thoughts/emotions in word-like form

I don't want to have these thoughts- they make me sad.
\
They remind me of what I'll probably never have.

But it's a topic constantly on my mind.

Every thought in my head fights to lead, one way or another, to the object of my affection and constant attention.

I fight back, forcing serenity and order back into the connections and my mind calms.

Calm

Now I'm scheduled to enter the vicinity. There is no welcome. No smiles.

I make my move. Smiles. Banter. I gaze and my gaze is welcomed and returned. I can look but I can't touch.

Time ruins everything and the parting is not addressed. Compliment on today's dress.

Always so beautiful.

Repeat

This time, comparing thumbs, our hands brush.

Flutter

Flutter

Flutter

Blue blue eyes.

I love blue eyes.

My humor is received but it feels stupid. Laughter all the same.

I tell myself it's all a waste of time. It's all a waste of time.

Or is it? More contact. Hands, feet, legs. What does this all mean?

Subtly, and I don't think I can detect the message.

What is the message? It hurts to think about it.

It hurts not to.

Hot Rod

Rod- Kevin, did you reinforce the takeoff ramp?
Kevin- No, we didn't have time.

Frank- Never sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.

Dave- You know pools are just perfect for holding water.

Rod-My safeword will be whiskey
Kevin- I'm sorry Rod, what was that?
Rod- Whiskey
Kevin-You're saying it weird
Rod-Saying what weird
Kevin- All of it
Rod- Where do you get off?
Kevin-I just don't get why you're saying it that way
Rod- Saying what what way?
Kevin- Forget it
Rod- I whill, I whill forget it.

Guy-My trailer, one of you is getting your dick hole smashed!
Reco- I'm freaking pumped! I've been drinking green tea all day!
I go to church every sunday, you gonna bring the demons outta me!
This is my hat, this is totally my hat

Rod- I'm sure you've heard that the plan to get you a new heart is going well
Frank- No
Rod-Well, it is...you can say thanks
Frank- No, I'm good
Rod-I see what you're trying to do Frank, but it's not gonna work. I'm afraid cooler heads have prevailed.
*Frank hits Rod in the face with a can*
Rod- YOU'RE THE DEVIL!
Rod's Mom- Frank, back to bed. Rod, outside.
Rod- Fine, have fun being married to SATAN!

Rod- so I thought it would be fun if we all go around and introduce ourselves. I'll go first. I'm Rod, and I like to party. Alright Dave, you're up.
Dave- Uh, hi, I'm Dave, and uh, I like to party.
Rod- Uh, actually Dave, I just said the I party, so maybe do something different.
Dave- Uh, I'm Dave and... I'm the stuntman.
Rod- Acually how about we just move on. Rico, you're up
Rico- Hi, I'm Rico, and I like to party.
Rod-Uh, Rico, what did I JUST say to Dave?
Rico- Who?
Kevin-I like to party, I'm Rod
Rod- No. You're Kevin.
Kevin- Right, Kevin. I party.
Rod- No. No, you don't. Alright, nobody parties but me.
Dave- Yes, and we party.
Rod- NO.
Rico- Yeah, just Rod
Rod- Yes.
Rico- And me.
Rod- NO! I'm the only one who parties.
Kevin- I'm pretty sure I've partied before.
Rod- No Kevin I know for a fact you don't party. You do not party.
Kevin- You're right, Dave's the party guy.
Dave- Ha ha, sweet.
Rod- Oh my gosh, shut up. Right, I'm just gonna do it myself.

After the riot
Rod- What the heeeeck? Was that because of us?
Dave- I dunno man, it started off super positive and then it just went crazy!
Rico (while carrying a stolen TV)- I know, it's disgusting how people will just take something good and just take advantage of it. There was no time to do any thing except just leave and just hope that you're not hurt.

Dave- Hey Rod, it's Dave, from the crew.
Rod- Hey Dave
Dave- Hey yeah I just wanted to call, see how you were doing, maybe you'd wanna hang out, maybe drive me to the hospital
Rod- Is everything okay?
Dave- Yeah, yeah... No. But if you wanna just stop by, I'm sure it's just precautionary.
Rod- Alright gimme a minute.
Dave- Ah, Rod thank you sooooo much.......Hey man, thanks for doing this for me, this is seriously one of the top ten nicest things anybody has ever done for me.
Rod- No problem... Ahhhhhh!!!
Dave-Ahhhhh!!
Rod-Dave, what happened to your eye?
Dave- Ah, it's totally serendipitous man. See, I got off work early, and my friend was like, "I've got this acid, but I can't do it", so I was like, "I'll do it". And by the time I got on my banana board, I was, trippin' balls pretty hard. So I decided to get on my bench grinder, and this piece of metal flew up and hit me right in the eye, which brings us to now.

Dave-Hospital?
Rod-Trash Can.
Dave-See ya.

Dave- Hey why's Rod kissin' his sister?
Kevin- Oh Denise isn't his sister
Dave-She's not? Oh, that totally shatters my entire universe.

It'll Get a Title Sometime

Did you make it to the end of the world?
Did you find that comfort inside?
The old man is still across the street yelling
Real people don't drink from the fountain of life
We've been given so much and we took it all for granted
At least that's what they say
But we've been given one shot and we're not getting any younger
What good is it to live in tomorrow like it's yesterday?

If you're looking to stop us
I'd invite you to go right ahead
Just because your life is a bad dream
Doesn't mean we aren't all living until we're dead

Well I spoke to that man
I told him what was what
And left him with nothing to say
But in his mind he was reciting all the things that went wrong
When he did everyone somebody elses way
He knew he had one shot
And he was not getting any younger
Age takes a little each day
But he gave it up for logic and the right to live and die
With nothing much in between

Lazy Summer

Hello I've been waiting for you
The night is warm
The days are long too
The wind it plays
In the leaves like butterflies
And the only time I have
Is the time that is mine

The lazy summer is comfort as the birds
When they sing "Oh sweet summer"
To you and me

Anger

I don't know where our anger comes from, but its probably from something that is opposite of the heart, so... Probably the liver. I guess i never really understood why people got mad or why i ever got mad when i did or do. When people are willing to 'put themselves in someone elses shoes'. A lot of people confuse this, though. It doesn't simply mean what would you do in this circumstance. People judge others character when they think this way, and usually incorrectly. We don't know everything that is going on with someone else unless we actually feel through experience for ourselves. When someone does something they shouldn't, most people look at it and say, 'well i wouldn't have done that so why did they? I must be better than them' or 'its my place to put them in THEIR place because obviously they can't get themself there'. It's easy to say so when you can see the big picture. I'll invade the eighth grade and freshman world for a moment.

Let's even turn it into a fun little story *yay!* Ahem. Kate (what an original name) thinks she loves Pete. (His real name is Petrucio but for the sake of the story...) Unfortunately she hardly ever gets to see him except for tuesdays and thursdays when he doesn't have a college class last period and so ends up in the library where she finds him and casually (yet internally terrified) approaches him on occasion and strikes up warm conversation.

Yep... Umm... This goes on for about two months and things have heated up quite warmly. Especially the time that kate dropped her book and pete had to tape it up. She held the book while pete taped it up. Their hands brushed multiple times. This also started the walking home together phase. It was that same day that kates mother decided that it was warm enough to walk home. Kate disagreed. But that didn't matter because school was almost over. Walking home only lasted for about a week because pete got a car. About this time they had both Her friends were jealous. Mostly they were upset at the distance that had come between them.they had nothing against pete though... At least not yet.

Her friends were jealous. Mostly they were upset at the distance that had come between them.they had nothing against pete though... At least not yet. One night though, kate snuck out with pete to get ice cream and hot chocolate (i know, right?) which her friends -not to mention her mother- didn't approve of. She didn't think it counted as a date since his little sister tagged along. But there was tension resulting nonetheless. A week later kate approached pete with this. She explained the circumstances. Luckily they were both mormon (go figure, its like this story takes place in blanding) and he was a dutiful priest. Unfortunately he was still a teenage boy and she was a teenage girl and they were still in his car and somehow they had ended up with their fingers intertwined during this discussion. They both understood that this was against page 13 of For The Strength of Youth where it clearly states not to date until the age of 16.

Ugh! Kate really screwed up, didn't she?

Her friends definitely judged her when they got mad at her and read to her page 13 of For The Strength Of Youth. But they just didn't understand.

Hmm...I'm not even sure this story is relevant. My back hurts from trying to to get killed by Turk. He is a real deusch sometimes. I wasn't angry though. Actually, I was more worried that I was going to have to hurt HIM. It wouldn't have been good. I didn't want to. But he really almost left no alternative. Good thing I'm so evasive.

I also decided to not be angry about another thing that was making me angry. At the dance, I saw a certain someone with a 2 other someones that I all but loathe. It made me mad, but I got past it and decided that it wasn't worth it. We had previously discussed the two people that she was with, and their character, and why she probably shouldn't hang out with them. Also I want her to be the best she can be. Also I was just feeling a little jealous. Anyway, I just decided that if she wants to be involved with them, then I guess I probably don't want to be involved with her. Maybe if she decides that she shouldn't hang out with them, then I can look into it a little further. Right?

Something Mike said sounded a little profound. He said, "I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm just looking for somebody that cares about me a lot, and if that turns into a relationship, so be it."

It doesn't matter so much what the titles and names are. It's hard, impossible to care about someone who doesn't care about you if you approach it in the right way.

But that has nothing to do with anger, so I'm digressing, so I'm going to bed.

5 Years

Where will you be in five years or what is your five year plan? In five years i will be almost 23. I will have been off my mission almost two years.I guess i'll either be in a band or writing or both. Maybe i'll do multimedia or be a camera man. Ahem, cinematographer. I think i spelled that wrong. 5 years ago i was almost 13. That would make me almost a 7th grader. I hated 7th grade and i hated the summer before 7th grade. I hope the difference between the next five years can be as good as the difference between the last five years.

My Voice Is Like A Freaking Dolphin

Said I to Dallas last night observing the fact that for some reason my voice doesn't like to hold still on any note. Its not vebrotto or however you spell it. Its... Like a dolphin.We were rapping up the vocals on a song that i wrote almost three years ago for someone very special. Dallas thinks its the best we've ever recorded a song. I think its a recording that we've done of a song. Lets just say that D is not my key. I think A minor is my favorite key. C is also a good key lol *music theory joke* i played my drums today, like, seriously played them. My arms were actually tired. I had to attempt something as extremely difficult as Not Now by Blink182 to make it so. The next step on our (Failing Overpass) journey will be a music video. Keep your eyes open.

You're Walking On Thin Ice and I've Got It In My Head To See If You Can Catch This Big Rock

Good luck to you my best friend
I've already packed your bags
Good luck with where you're going
Don't already have a destination in mind?
Well I can think of a few suggestions
The weather's getting colder and the outlook looks pretty grim
And it feels like my shoulder is freezing
But don't bother bundling up tonight cuz I hear
It's really warm where you're going

And it's getting colder
But the ice beneath us is getting ever thinner
And my blood pumps all the thicker
But my heart beats ice cold water
And I'm jumping in for a swim

Looking back on all the times I wished I was you
Pulling Strings and screaming your message
Not everyone hates everything that's good
Good luck my friend
I know that you're gonna need it

*lalala lalala guitar solo lalala lalala*

And it's getting colder
But I'm a thousand miles away on sunny sanded shores
And I won't forget you
But my heart beats nice warm blood and I'm jumping in for a swim

On Posture

Doctor Black says I have poor sitting posture. I agree. I just didn't know it was a problem.

It actually became such a problem suddenly that I sneezed today and it knocked me to the ground because my back couldn't handle it.

Anyway, he taught me how to sit proper so it should go away AND I'll have great sitting posture!

An Old Poem

The winds of change are blowing
A draft sneaks past the door
A window still not quite shut
Is what I'm looking for
Hidden behind tinted glass
Echos in the hall
Doing time for me is past
The dust begins to fall
Doing time for me is past
The dust begins to fall

I wrote this last year. No, two years ago. It's kind of interesting now.

A Comment

Bridges- used to like them broken, now I'm addicted to building them.

Jumping- My back won't let me do it at the moment.

Saving- My grades? It's a possibility. Mike when he's all the way on the other side of the river with a boomer looming over him? No way, except for that I could do it if I had a torch bow.

Choosing- Mostly I let other people do it unless it matters to me.

Changing- We have to learn to accept that change is good, even if we don't want it. Even if we refuse to let it happen; we'll be happier afterwards if we allow ourselves to be. We just have to learn to let go of the past and the future will be that much brighter.

Oceans- I still haven't been to one but I will swim on the beach someday... I want to move to a beach in Florida.Swimming- Like in the ocean, or in the swimming pool at 2 in the morning in the middle of the summer; either way, fun.

Drowning- I guess I've never been hydrophobic. Drowning would be a terrible way to go though. Too much water in any situation isn't good, except in the ocean never enough water. Unless you take into account global warming enthusiasts who say the entire world is going to be drowned from the water melting in the ice caps. Morons.

Beaches- I always pictured myself in a hammock with my guitar and a cooler of sobe on the beach next to my little hut made out of palm leaves and bamboo. I really want to show people who live on the beach what a real bonfire is.Sun- Burns me, but I miss it to death right now.

Rain- People who say that rain is depressing have obviously never taken their shoes off and danced in it.

Tears- The real kind of depressing rain.

Clouds- When it's snowing and when it's sunny.

Smiles- So many kinds.Pretending- To be something we're not, or to not be something we are?Life- Without it, we would all be not alive.

Love- I should write a blog and link to this part....

Time- The great equalizer.

Truck- I don't like them in general, especially the big ones. Dallas' is pretty kool though. So is Kelsey's. \

Guitar- Suddenly it hit me, I could play it. It only took what, 3 years?

Lyrics-- I could write them if I didn't judge myself so harshly.

Make sense of that.

Sorting Out the Brain

There are things in life that happen that you never forget. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.Physically, I'll never forget how a G chord feels or what my arms and legs do to play a rock beat. We can eat with our eyes closed because we just know where our mouth is. We never forget how to ride a bike, right?

We commit different things to memory, short term and long term. I can automatically tell whether something is gonna stick around for awhile or not. Also, times like when Eric flew off the curb and landed in the middle of the road on his back and nearly broke his tailbone. I'll never forget that, ever.

Emotional-....this is the hard one. Physical pain is nothing, and I can repress anything I don't want to remember. And actually, I can simply not pay attention, distract myself. The only time I'm vunerable is when I let myself become emotionally attached to something, someone. There is a fine line between the things that I don't care enough about and the things that can cause real painI've said it before, maybe not in a blog, but sometimes my empathy drives me crazy. I feel what someone else is feeling so strongly, that i actually forget what my own feelings are.But that rarely leads to anything permanent.

Love- I can only think of two instances when I truly believed it was love. 1 was 4 years ago. 1 was last year.They are really the only 2 things emotionally that I have felt that I've had zero control over. Of course there were steps taken to get into the situation, but once I was there, I couldn't do anything about it. Last year is the only one that I actually acted on. It was Amazing ThrillingExciting, newFunScary... I loved it. and then everything went wrong. But the past is the past. I accepted that when it happened- the circumstances would never allow anything different, and I would have been crazy not to accept it. It hurt forever, but there was just nothing I could do. It was out of hand by then.

Painful? Yes.

Angry

Resentment

Bitterness

Mostly I think I was just mad at myself. It was my fault in a lot of waysBut in a lot of ways it wasn't. It was definitely a joint effort.

Anyway, this was a big digression. The point that I was originally going to try to make is this- there are things that happen emotionally are too powerful and can never really be forgotten. No matter how much we might disagree... maybe we can just avoid the circumstances that ignite the emotion, but eventually it will be talked about, and instantly it'll feel like your heart is going to pound out of your chest and no, you won't have any control over it. That's why it's so difficult to talk about I suppose. That's why it's so hard to try to make things better, to make feelings good again. I mean, there aren't bad feelings but feeling anything from it runs the risk of feeling things that probably aren't wanted. By yourself, or by the one that makes you feel it.

So what's the solution?

My Life Right Now

I guess you have to ask yourself where you are every once in a while. Sometime I have no idea. Sometimes I would be happy to tell you all about it.


Right now... I don't know.


Am I happy? Certainly. I've probably never been happier in my life. I learn new things every day and I LOVE seminary. I love knowing the truth and what to do with it. I love Brother Black. I don't love homework, especially busy work which is mostly what I get from Choi, but Sivert and Bake are my favorites.


Greg and I have been doing some serious recording of some songs. The quality is outstanding. I can't wait to get them posted.


I DO need to read my scriptures more, and keep up better on my homework.


But really, I have no reason to be unhappy. I'm not, but I keep having these bouts of melancholy and I don't know where they come from. Alright, I really do. It's when I'm not doing everything I'm supposed to, or when I'm doing things I shouldn't. You'd think I would be bright enough to just get it right already. I have it worked out in theory, just not practice.

I'm a Junior, and I'll only need one more credit to graduate after this year.

I'm not going to graduate early though, because I'm going to graduate with my associate degree. I can't afford not to be a transfer student.

All I can get myself to care about lately is my music. I just don't care about anything else. It's not been good for my homework doing....

Honor Band

I HATE it.

I also LOVE it.

Look what it does to my fingers!



I spent like 12 hours in 2 days plucking away and blowing people's faces off with my bass.

I also asked Heather Holyoak to lunch. She's a senior.

We made faces and laughed all day and made fun of the director for being a sticklor.

Not a bad Honor Band.

Why Ever Part of My Body Hates Me

Besides standing in one spot playing a bass guitar all day...

Have you ever crawled into bed ready to listen to your favorite calming song and drift quietly off to sleep but then realized that your iPod is dead, and must have somehow played for at least 6 hours to have drained the remaining battery...

Have you ever also discovered that your wall charger was not working and had to plug your iPod instead into your mom's car.

Was it 18 degrees F outside?

Are you also too lazy to put clothes on to accomplish this ridiculous task?

So I climbed out of bed and ran outside in my boxers only to find that my mom's car was LOCKED, so I had to run all the way back inside and get the key then run back outside and sit on the freezing (literally) leather seat and plug my iPod in.

I wouldn't recommend ever doing this, but at the same time- I think everyone should get the oppotunity at least once in their life.

Swing Set

It's back and forth, back and forth.

I used to be able to swing for hours.

My cousin broke his ankle jumping out of a swing.

I used to pretend I was going out of the atmosphere. But no, I was never so retarded as to think that I could actually swing OVER the bar. It was just never practical to me. I remember trying to see who could spit the farthest . You swing as high as you can and the *twhoo* and once we hit the person on duty (ha! I said duty) and she was looking around like "holy crap! Is it RAINING?" Good times. Then we tried doing backflips out of the swings which was awesome.

I feel like swinging now.

Glory

Have you ever wondered if receiving the light of Christ in your countenance is in fact a literal saying? They say that you can see it in the eyes of those who have received it. Line upon line, precept upon precept, we receive knowledge and learn and grow. I think that many people believe that when we die, we have the veil removed and remember everything that we forgot. But does that mean that we suddenly know everything? Why then, is it said that whatever knowledge we obtain in this life, so much will be our advantage in the next?

We have tendencies, weaknessess, and flaws that we are seemingly born with. We learn that this is because in the pre-existence, we had an identity. The same weaknessess we have now and the same strenghts; the same likes and dislikes; we were the same person before we came as we are now. We shouldn't be discouraged when we have weaknessess; rather, we should be overjoyed with the knowledge that we overcame them before we came here.

It is said that we fought Lucifer in the great war in heaven. We stood by God and fought for him. His elect not only fought, but fought valiantly. Well, there was no physical fighting in heaven, so how did we fight? It is the same spiritual fight that we are fighting right now. We can do it now, because we already did it before; maybe not at the same magnitude, because we didn't have a body. We couldn't feel the same things that we can now. It's more powerful now; the emotion, the pain, the joy.

Men are that they might have joy.

We beheld God and his glory and we wanted to be like him. How do we achieve what God has? How do we become a God, a creator of worlds?

We learn. Line upon line...

So that brings us back to the glory. When we are resurrected, we will immediately have a glorified body right? I don't believe that is true. Don't quote me, but as far as I know, we will have the same body that we had, except for it will be immortal. We will never die again. To achieve a celestial, glorified body, we have to learn. As we understand and learn more truth, our bodies will become more and more glorified. I dunno if that is correct. I think it might be.

God is truth. The light. As we receive more light, our bodies literally shine with the glory that is in us.

Hmm... anyway, that's what was on my mind.

What We Want

"I imagine you to be a girl, fifteen (or sixteen or seventeen) years old, sometimes frightened, always brave. I imagine you to be unaware of your beauty, which makes you indefinitely beautiful; unaware of your power, which makes you dangerously powerful. I have had many masters in my life, but you are the only master I could follow until I die."



An interesting quote that I found in a book a few years ago. This picture reminded me of it. It also reminded me of another quote from the book.

"[He] didn’t know what he wanted, but he did know what he didn’t want. What he didn’t want was any of the girls at school. He had lots of friends who were girls. He liked them. Nice girls. Just not for him."

It's really true though. I've seen what there is to offer and yes, I've fallen for some girls that I thought were amazing. Good girls, yes, but not for me. I thought they were, but I learned otherwise. I have met a few girls I thought were for me, and maybe one is, or not. There was one girl who I thought was just for me. Mean, bossy, blunt- but I needed that at the time. Though, it was not healthy I think. Plus we ran out of things to do because she was very hard to please and I ran out of things to do to please her so we ended up just driving around and kissing and then it was over. Not a healthy relationship at all, and now I'm left to wonder if we ever even liked each other, or if we ever got along at all. But love will do that to you.

I'm waiting to meet a girl that will look beneath that surface, even though the surface isn't half bad. I'm waiting for a girl who I can talk to about everything; all the deep and shallow topics in my head. I'm waiting for a girl who thinks I'm funny and recognizes that I'm an idiot and loves me for it. It's a part of who we are, we aren't changing.

I'm waiting for a girl who loves Ender and Bean as much as I do.

I'm waiting for a girl who will look at my iPod and say "Oh my gosh I love ALL of these bands!"

And she would also hate country.

Country sucks.

Suspension

Not like the bridge...

So apparently not writing the District Writing Assessment is considered DEFIANCE and grounds for suspension. I told him I could write a crappy paper for him if it was that important to him.

He didn't go for it.

So I was going to go to receiving for the day but then my mom told me that I would be staying home and cleaning instead. I spent 4 hours cleaning the kitchen and no, it's still not done. I guess that just shows how disgusting my family lives. I want to move so bad. Everytime I suggest something to keep the house clean I get shut down and told that I'm not the parent so I'm not supposed to worry about it; though, I AM supposed to clean all of it, right? Sigh...

Trash

I am the only person in my house that takes out the trash. It.s true. I am the only person that does anything sanitation related actually.

RUTH

This is Ruth



Once upon a time we were friends.
There were complications
And I was whiny
And moany
And depressing

We used to chat it up on MSN all night and get in arguments because I couldn't get over myself.

Ruth is Amazing
She's definitely original
I fell for her once but I was too scared to tell her
Instead, we sat and talked at the North Chapel while Devon and Jordann walked around awkwardly.
I tried to play my guitar for her and she said nice things about it. Even though I sucked, I was still one of the few that attempted guitar in this town, before everyone started doing it. I ALMOST told her how I felt that night, but I didn't
I almost told her on MSN once also
I think she almost told me once too
But she didn't
And I didn't
And then it was gone because she got into patio or something and I got into a band
She decided that she only needed 3 friends (actually 2 because Jess wasn't here yet)

Or something like that lol

Who knows
Those are my deepest darkest secrets about her.

Ruth is a brilliant photography and has an excellent taste in music, usually.
We used to watch movies all the time
I used to wonder about her a lot.
She used to be a complete mystery to me.
Actually she still is, but differently

Derek and I used to call her Rufus
I also used to call her Ruth Ann Potter
Because she loved Harry Potter

I'll never figure out how she gets her Myspace to look so nice

Even though the past is gone and there doesn't seem to be much interest in the future, it's still fun to remember the memories we've had and laugh, whether she thought it was funny or not

I love you Ruth!

ERIC

This is ERIC


We met many years ago around like 1st or second grade. I wasn't his friend but I was there the day that he contracted the Diabetes STD.

SAND TRANSMITTED DEUSCHLOMPASCHWULL

I know what you were thinking...

He's probably the koolest guy I've ever met

He's the only one that understands ALL the deep complex thoughts that run through my head, and in fact, most of them run through his head at the exact same time. It all started with ENDERS GAME and the philosophization grew and grew.

We had a very deep conversation one night underneath a streetlight by his house and it made us really think about our lives a lot. It made us better people even though we suck at making changes.

We spent the summer after 8th grade partying hardy and pondering the mysteries of the universe. It was the best summer of my life.

Sometimes I think we sort of annoy each other by talking because we already know what is going throught the other's mind and it is usually pointless to put it into words, because sometimes words just screw things up.

Words are best saved for the hilarity that we share in our 4 year long inside jokes. It's more like inside life-stories because you would have to hang around with us for a couple years to understand what the heck we're talking about.

We feed Eric special food because he thinks that pizza and spaghetti will make him die for some reason. He even throws up and puts on a big show to put his point across. It's silly, I know, but a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do to be different.

Music is a second language for us.

Our main hobby is listening to music and digesting it and then regurgitating (I have no idea how to spell that word) it for others to listen and understand, but few really do.

My favorite are the nights we stay out all night and party and do stupid things.

Eric almost saved my life when I almost got eaten by a dog that almost didn't stop chasing us when I realized that the last option was to turn and face the dog like the terrified 17 year old that I was (am).

Our life is a party and I think it's really just begun.

Tanya

Meet Tanya, one of my very bestest friends in the whole wide world (Believe me it's wide, I have to drive 10 hours just to see her) She's basically one of the koolest persons you'll ever meet.
I first met Tanya 4 years ago (on the phone) after meeting (on the phone) Devon's cousin Chelsea, who is also one rad sheila, but we'll get to that some other time. I first met Tanya 4 real 2 years ago when she came down with Chelsea to a family reunion. Yay for those 4 days! I recently saw Tanya a few days ago when Devon and I went to see the two in their own town of Mountain Home, Idaho.
Tanya lives on a military base outside of Mountain Home and I almost got shot trying to visit her. She also has a brother, Tony, who is rad, and a rad sister Rachel who makes cookies. Her mom is also rad and her dad is also rad, and so are her other two sisters who I also met. What a rad family :)
Someday Tanya says she's going to let me kidnap her and then we will party hardy. She beats me at bowling and chess everytime. But it's okay cuz we make Banana Cream Pudding and Pasta and Pizza and it's amazing.
Her dog wants to eat me.
I miss Tanya very very much. We have nice shoes and hearts

They are amazing

Memories

I'm a Saminjadite
Actually, we all areIt's okay, we aren't that scary
Actually, we are just amazing
But nobody knows it.
I was standing in the mall yesterday wearing my striped jacket and my black pants with a sobe in one hand and my phone in the other and I had a thought that I needed to write on my hand so I stuck my sobe in my back pocket and for a second I just stood there thinking of all the amazing things I've got going for me and realized that there wasn't anyone within 300 miles that knew it. I was sad. But we know it, and now I'm home so there are people within 300 miles that know it. There were a few in Idaho too :)
*SIGH*.... I really miss these two
We only get to see each other every 2 years. But it's amazing when it happens, no matter how hard people try to ruin it.

My favorite is the heart Tanya drew on my shoe.
Memories fade. Mine seem like they are all from a different lifetime
R&R
Boy Scouts
Brother Krum
Math with Merket and Lacy
Freshman year
8th Grade when I thought I loved Lizz
The first time Kelly Hugged me and I thought hugs were bad
6th Grade
Zelda at Kip's House
Lagoon with Manda
Devon's Family reunion, wasn't that someting.
I still remember the first time I wanted to play guitar
I couldn't
Two years later I still couldn't
I still can't, but I try
Movies at Jorden's hous
eAnother favorite were nightgames at the North Chapel
Ruth and I sitting on a brick wall while I tried to play my mini guitar
But that was a long time ago
The night I was driving on ice before I had my license and slid off the road over the curb and got the car stuck
Thank goodness for kind neighbors
Luckily no damage was done, except for the rim of her front tire...
How many movies did we watch on Devon's couch?
Too many
Skeeter still doesn't much like me since I tried to claim her arm
Awkward
I always thought I was the crazy one, until I met Stormi, no her hair isn't RED.
That was a misconception.
King Kong is STILL the longest movie I have ever seen.
MSN used to be a GREAT place to live, also a drama starter, also a drama ender.
Speaking of ENDER, that was the best Summer ever, still.
Ender is my hero. Also is Bean.
I think for anyone to understand the way Eric and I think they would have to read those books, then hang out with us for a few years.
What a looker.
15 years old and fresh into freshman year what did I know? Nothing. Greg the Moses approaches me because I'm sitting behind El Bake's drums and he asks me to drum for him. I don't know how to drum! Well, that's what I would have said if I hadn't been absolutely determined to learn.
Fortunately I knew a little guitar by then.
Then all of a sudden BAM!
We're sitting in Dallas' basement recording My Paper World
We were so good back then. That was PURE music, honest.